99 Problems but a Roth Ain’t One
Disclaimer: I am a 45 year old white male who grew up in the suburbs and have no business writing a rap song. If you choose to read on please keep that in mind and be glad I didn’t choose to actually record my Roth rap. Thanks to Jay-Z for the creation of the original “99 Problems” and mad props to my boy Jeff for creating the Roth IRA Account Movement. Stop by that link and you will find over 100 articles dedicated to teaching you all the ins and outs of retirement investing via a Roth IRA.
Source: goodfinancialcents.com via Jeff on Pinterest
If you know anything about rap music you’ve heard the stylings of Jay-Z and his famous 2004 single “99 Problems”. I’m sure it’s been used often as a springboard for other subjects, most famously by Jay-Z himself at the Staff Ball, the last official event of Barack Obama’s inauguration. During the set he tweaked the lyrics and sang “I Got 99 problems but a Bush ain’t one”. To my knowledge no one has ever used the song to promote investing in a Roth IRA (or ANY type of investing) so I thought I would give it a shot. If you’re not familiar with the song look it up on YouTube, but be forewarned that the lyrics are NSFW.
If you’re havin’ cash problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems
but a Roth ain’t one
[Verse One]
I got my retirement patrol on auto patrol
The IRS want to take my money ‘mo
My critics say I’m a “Money Cash Ho”
I’m from the ‘burbs stupid, what type of facts are those
If you grew up poor or even what you thought poor
You’d be celebrating the minute you was havin’ dough
I’m like screw that critic give me my Roth
If you don’t like my savings you go get lost
I got beef with you spenders not saving your dough
You ain’t got no Roth, no retirement SO
All the advertisers they try to sell you a lie
So you go out and spend on stuff you don’t need to buy
What they take us for when they raid our cash
We got more intelligence than those advertisers has
We save for retirement baby we ain’t dumb
I got 99 problems but a Roth ain’t one
Hit me
[Chorus]
99 problems but the Roth ain’t one
If you’re
havin’ cash problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Roth ain’t
one
Hit me
[Verse Two]
The year’s ’04 and my degree is fresh
Looking
back at college years my finances got messed
I got two choices y’all keep
spending or
Pay off debt and get my retirement set to the core
Now I don’t
want to see no cat food retirement for me
And I got some good cash
flow I can save that dough
So I set up my budget, my 401(k) and my
Roth
And I heard “Why you can’t come out anymore?”
Cause I’m
young and I’m wise and I’m saving my dough?
I’m not in college no
more, saving’s how I roll
Should I join you and then all my money be
blown?
“Well we still party and spend don’t you know”
“And we miss your face when we’re out at the bar”
“Are you
sure you can’t spend, you don’t need no Roth, just come as you are
”
I ain’t stoppin’ my savings, retirements legit
“Well
do you mind if we call you a cheap sorry git?”
Well my savings are on auto so
are the Roth and the k
Call me what you want I’ll be laughing to my
grave
“Aren’t you smart as a tack, you a broker or
something?”
“Or some financial guru or
somethin’?”
Nah I ain’t got no CPA or CFP but I know a little bit
Enough to know my Roth is the shit
“We’ll see how smart you are when
the
stock
markets done”
I got 99 problems but a Roth ain’t one
Hit
me
[Chorus]
99 Problems but a Roth ain’t one
If you’re havin’
cash problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Roth ain’t
one
Hit me
99 Problems but a Roth ain’t one
If you’re havin’ cash problems I
feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Roth ain’t one
Hit me
[Verse Three]
Now once upon a time no too long ago
I had mountains of
debt, no retirement roll
Not a roll in the sense of something to eat
But a
roll of cash to help keep me off the street
I tried to ignore it, but eventually I
know
That saving for retirement was the way to go
Tax free withdrawls when I
turn 59
No more worries about payin’ the IRS a dime
My Roth gonna give
me a great peace of mind
Knowing that I won’t need to worry about mine
And there I will be without a care in the world
While you all are workin’
’til the end of your world
Companies with they rules ruling your world
IRS come to give you the shaft again
50% of your wages in taxes again
All
because you couldn’t see how a Roth would keep it from them
Tax free growth
and withdrawals, a Roth gives you them
And a retirement sweet and rich as chocolate
I got 99 problems but not havin’ a Roth ain’t one
Hit me
99 Problems but a Roth ain’t one
If you’re havin’ cash problems I
feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Roth ain’t one
Hit me
You’re crazy for this one Jeff Rose
It’s you boy
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You are a clever dude and this was REALLY funny and awesome! lol. I can’t stop laughing.
Good work, Steve.
Thanks Jason. I’m not sure how clever I am, but if it made you laugh AND you remember how dope the Roth IRA is I’ve accomplished my goal.
Awesome. When and where can we get the video?
Haha…when you teach me how to mix my rap and the beats.
Love it dude! Thanks for sharing my post….I will certainly return the favor as a fellow hip hop fan!
MG
Glad to bring some hip hop happiness to your day!
Brilliantly written. I even sang it (poorly) in tune the way Jay-Z would have. I agree with Nick, this needs a video. I can already see it going viral on utube.
Ok that’s 2 votes for a video. I sang it poorly as well before releasing it. You did read the disclaimer on the post right? Haha…if video is what the people want I guess I’ll have to consider it.
Sadly I know who Jay-Z is but I don’t listen to rap so have never heard this although now I will have to!
THIS is sooooo hilarious and a great read over my coffee this morn!
Thanks for the hoot!
My pleasure, I do aim to please
Great way to wake up huh?
Hahahha! This is crazy, and I love it. Thank you for making my day. You and the other PF bloggers are awesome for doing this movement. Thank you for teaching the rest of us who may not know about the Roth IRA. By the way, did you get your record deal yet?
Glad to have made your day. No record deal yet, but I am thinking of starting my own label…PFJamz…what do you think?
Too bad you put up that disclaimer…I was totally about to sign you
hahahaaa….Steve, you crack me up!!
Yea, I can tell you what one of your problems is….
You need a video!!!! NOW!!
Reads all the articles on the internet each week AND produces records! Yeah you’re the 3rd one to say that. I guess this old white guy is gonna have to figure out that video technology.
You know you could make some serious coin rapping this out and putting it on youtube, right? Do it! Nothing says Youtube sensation like white guy rapping about IRAs.
I thought that too, but know nothing about making a video, let alone a music video. If nothing else it would be a fun learning experience. And if it works I could play around with a different song each week lol
Very cool! I’m afraid to say it, but I want to see a video!!
Ok…ok…I know what I’ll be researching this weekend
Yay!!!! Video video video!!!
Here’s a good place to start – https://www.wikihow.com/Rap
That was helpful Nick thanks. You a rapper with all that knowledge?
That is going to be the theme song of this movement. Next time Jeff goes to speak at his alma mater, they will play that song as he is walking up to the podium.
That would be awesome! Time to get to work on the video so they have the Roth version to play!
That was very funny and creative. You are doing a very good job bieng part of IRA roth movement
Thanks Karunesh, I’m glad it gave you a laugh. And if it somehow helps people remember to invest in a Roth my job is done (for today).
Best… Post… Ever! Tips hat! Well done Sir, Well Done!
I’m truly flattered. Thanks for the compliment!
This is fantastic yo!!
Kiplinger is doing a recap and asked me for my favorite Roth IRA posts. Definitely passing this one along!
Thanks dawg! Great news about the Kiplinger recap, can’t wait!
I’ve seen a few personal finance bloggers try to parody songs, and most I’ve seen aren’t very good.
This is pretty awesome. I’d love to help out with the inevitable video.
Thanks Kevin, it was my first attempt at a song parody so the compliment from an experienced parody guy means a lot.
Oh. My. God. That was FRIGGIN awesome. Post of the month in my Reader.
Thanks Nell!
As a fellow white girl from the South…I give you mad props! This is super clever and definitely a very entertaining way to read/learn about Roth IRA’s. Awesome stuff!
Thanks Carrie! Now if I can just push myself to make the time to do the video